Dear Chain-Smoking Baby,

September 4, 2010 at 7:58 pm (Daily Headaches and Rage Inducers) (, , , , , , , , , )

Dear Aldi Rizal Suga…

Dear Smoking Baby,

We are writing to you because we can no longer stand idly by and watch you smoke two-packs-a-day like some kind of bloated, dark off-spring of the late Morton Downey, Jr. and Denis Leary.  It’s not that we’re that opposed to smoking, mind you (we love Mad Men, and have even had semi-pleasant layovers in North Carolina), it is more the fact that you’re so young to be smoking so much.  We’d be more comfortable if you’d permanently quit, and maybe take up playing with blocks, or crapping in your huggies like regular toddlers.

Which is why we’d like to make you, cute smoking baby, an offer that you really shouldn’t refuse.  They say it takes a village to raise a child, but honestly, your little fishing village sucks.  Why not leave behind the smell of gutted carp and carcinogen-tainted breast-milk for Latina nannies, prescriptions for toddlers, and a real future with real opportunities?  You could become one of the first mini-Indonesian agents for TLC or Nat Geo, or a non-smoking pool boy, or a smoke-free assistant to a C-List celebrity.  The point is, Aldi Rizal [cute baby], you cannot possibly think being so young and so addicted and so fat (are U eating all those cigarette butts after U finish smoking them?!) is really that good for you…

Think it over, won’t you?  We’ll even throw in a good, Christian name; like Thad, or Willow, Glenn, or Jesus.

Hopeful Parents,

 

Dina & Michael Lohan, Sarah & Todd Palin, Jon & Kate Gosselin, Kathy & Richard Hilton

2 Comments

  1. Leti said,

    It’s the signers that got me… Brilliant!!

  2. Tony said,

    Dammit!

    I wish I had thought of that!

    1) residence in a foreign country

    2) knock up one of the (most likely underage) local gals

    3) wait ’til the baby’s able to sit up and using their hands to put any and everything in their mouth

    4) buy a carton of smokes for the little bastard who gets hopelessly addicted and

    5) get world-wide attention by exploiting the ‘smoking baby’, maybe get a few hundred bucks from the tabloids and whatnot, and fade back intro the obscurity of the miserable life you’ve now perpetrated on others

    I’m angry at myself for not coming up with this brilliant scheme years ago, I thought I was smarter than that- truth hurts, I guess.

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