Dear 2nd Amendment, a.k.a. the Right to Bear Arms (a.k.a. the Amendment many simpler Americans cling to when they’re unhappy with their lives),
What’s with your attitude? Seems like your head is getting bigger and bigger every single time someone else’s is getting blown off! You know you’re just one of 27 Amendments, right? And while the 11th, 16th, and 19th Amendments may not be as showy or exciting as you, they’re just as important. (Actually, the 19th Amendment may be more exciting and sexy than you, as we’re huge fans of women getting all riled up and stuff).
Look, we think the world of you! Without you, there wouldn’t have been deer hunting, a Manifest Destiny, or even a Sarah Palin staged-reality show. We wouldn’t have buddy-cop movies, metal detectors in our schools, or endless specials about John Wilkes Booth were it not for you and those who take you so darn seriously. You are appreciated, 2nd Amendment. Truth is, some of us even feel that 25th Amendment has a little crush on you.
The problem is in some of your more ardent, trigger-happy followers and supporters. They seem to – due to their willful ignorance and wonderfully average educational backgrounds – believe that you’re the most important Amendment of all. We know, we know, it doesn’t make sense to us either, and frankly, some of us are getting truly tired of the B.S.. Heck, the 13th and 14th Amendments are about ready to throw-down over it (except they don’t want to get shot)!
So we’re asking you to remind your loudest supporters to calm down a bit and take the temptation to exercise their right to you and just move it away from anything living and head to their local firing range. Blasting paper is just as fun and noisy, and people can hang their shot-up targets in the windows next to their Raiders jerseys and Cracker Barrel-related decor.
Okay, that’s it for now. Just remember, #2; we’re all in this together. And if everyone’s getting killed because of your most fanatical supporters, then the rest of us will be out of work sooner than you think.
1st Amendment, 3rd – 17th Amendments, and 19th – 27th Amendments (sorry, 18th Amendment was out drinking when we wrote this)