My Dearest Kirk,
Son, I want you to listen to Me, and I need you to hear what I say. You need to calm the “F” down on this whole creationism theory. I want you to understand that it is okay to be both religious and smart.
And I want you to know how sorry I am for making you spend 7 seasons with Alan Thicke.
Look, I understand. You and your fellow Creationists are frustrated by the “proof” scientists bring to the whole evolution argument, and that The Origin of Species is written better than the entire Left Behind series. But trust me, it’s alright that man has evolved. If anything, it shows a real level of creativity on My part. To start from single-celled organisms and eventually have creatures like Joan Rivers and Donald Trump. That takes skill, my son…
Look, maybe you’re worried that if more people accept evolution and Chuck Darwin’s words, that will somehow displace you from being one of my flock. Or maybe you’re just pissed-off that Leo DiCaprio ended being the one who became an A-lister. Regardless, I have room at the top for all who do good in this life; whether they believe in creationism, Darwinism, or even modernism. But Fred Phelps and his followers can still fuck off!
Relax, Kirk. Enjoy your family, your royalty cheques, and your re-runs of “Growing Pains” on TV Land. You’ve earned them all.