Attn: Hugh M. Hefner, Playboy Editor-in-Chief, aging stud.
Why is Marge Simpson of The Simpsons in your November issue, sir? You do understand Marge isn’t actually real, right? True, neither is a fair amount of Heidi Montag or Chyna, but at least some of their “girl-parts” are authentic. But honestly, Marge Simpson is a cartoon, plain and simple! Like Scooby-Doo or Barney Frank, but without the jowls.
Maybe you’re light-headed, Hef, from all the peroxide fumes and Viagra, but choosing a female cartoon character for a Playboy spread seems sacrilegious. It makes less sense than Bill Maher or Kato Kaelin still being invited to the Mansion for parties! Seriously, Hugh, who’s gonna be the next Playmate of the Month, The Little Mermaid? Stewie?!
And not to be too crude here, but what about the arousal factor, huh? Do you have any idea how much trickier it is to masturbate to animation? The odds of chafing go up by more than 60 percent!
Listen, the truth is, we look at Playboy to read the articles – and we get that you’ve personally been staring at hot chicks since FDR could actually walk – but we’d still like some good old fashioned skin to gaze lovingly at. Is that really too much to ask for, Hef?
Horny and irritated,
Yosemite Sam, Buzz Lightyear, Shaggy, He-Man, and Doug the Dog