Dear Christianity,

December 18, 2009 at 10:22 pm (Religion and other silliness) (, , , , , , )

Dear Christianity,

Well, it’s Christmastime and here we are writing to you – yet again – to ask you to stop whining once and for all.  Your precious holiday is NOT being run out-of-town: no matter how many conservatives complain that there’s “a war” against you!

You’re Are Christianity.  You’re not some fly-by-night cult where your leader serves you Kool-Aid, massages your Thetans, or begs you to allow him to sleep with your daughters all in the name of saving their young, nubile souls.

Calm down, for effing sake.  You Are Christianity.  You’re flippin’ huge!  You’ve got much of the world by its terrified conscious.  You’re spreading faster than anti-Muslim leaflets at a square-dance hosted by Sarah Palin.  For God’s sake, stop acting insecure!

Just because a few more department store chains prefer the phrase “Happy Holidays” to “Merry Christmas,” that doesn’t mean you’re all immediately on the darkened path to worshiping at the altar of Alice Cooper (who by the way IS a Christian)…

Chill out, brothers and sisters.  You’ve got billions of followers around the globe; thousands of whom haven’t been molested by priests.  You’ve got trillions of dollars for new, ornate churches, influence, and advertisements asking for donations to help the poor.

For the final time, relax!  Christmas isn’t being plundered – regardless of how red and puffy Bill O’Reilly’s face gets.  You Are Christianity.  You’re practiced and celebrated every single day in countries ranging from the United States to Italy; from South Africa to Sweden.  Hell, there are Christians in effing Iraq AND El Paso!

So stop quaking in your ass kicking convert-or-we’ll-make-an-example-out-of-you-boots!  It’s going to be a looong time before you find yourself being replaced, okay?  Trust us on this.  Just mellow out, let your Jesus locks down, and have some good old-fashioned blood-shedding F-U-N.

Peace Be with You,



Post Script ~ You’re welcome for the whole “tree” thing.



  1. PDiddy said,

    Dear Paganism,

    Thanks for Communism, Socialism, and Statism which introduced us to the bloodbath known as the 20th Century where more men, women and children were killed than by all previous centuries combined.

    Merry Christmas!


    • jdrourke said,

      Now this is a response! Dammit. Let me know when you’re up for drinks, cause clearly I’m buying the first round…

      • jdrourke said,

        You have got it. It’d be my pleasure…

    • Cletis said,

      Paganism writes:

      Dear Christianity,

      Perhaps you should lay off the eggnog a bit. You appear to have forgotten your prior 2 millenia of delivering grief and blooodshed to infidels and eccentric Frenchpeople. Also, Marx was an atheist, not a pagan. Furthermore, most “statists” don’t have a big problem with Jesus, and vice-versa (see e.g. Italy, contemporary Russia, America’s right wing). Oh, and you’re welcome for Saturnalia. Knew you’d dig it, what with the lights and all.

    • JL Sosa said,

      Dear P. Diddy,

      You have just made a horribly twisted and inaccurate statement on so many levels that I do not know where to begin. The only reason the 20th century has seen more people killed than all centuries combined (I would LOVE to see your source on that BTW) is that the weapons we have today can kill many hundreds of thousands of people in a single blow. And believe me, if the old school Catholic church would have had nukes, they would have nuked every tree-loving infidel and druid off the face of the planet.

      I would love to ask the Aztecs, the Aymara, the Inca, the Taino, or any of the other thousands of peaceful (or not) civilizations that Christianity has helped to annihilate over the centuries of repression what they think of your silly factoid.

      And by the way, how the HELL is Paganism responsible for those things you mentioned above? That’s about as stupid and shortsighted as claiming Christmas is Christian… IT ISN’T. And smart Christians will be the *first* to tell you that “bebe Jebus” wasn’t born in December because the BIBLE tells you so in describing the time of year! There are no shepherds in the field in the middle of a desert winter!

      You are obviously a mouth breathing evangelical Christian sycophant…

      Happy Yule!

      -A Proud Pagan

      PS: If you want to read about the true origins of Xmas, visit my blog at, I did a three part series last week meant to educate people like you.

      • Daniel said,

        You got it backwards. The Aztecs and Incas were civilized, but they sure as hell weren’t peaceful.

      • JL Sosa said,

        Hence my use of the (or not)

    • Michellcat said,

      Actually, PDiddy, Communism is derived from Marxist thought. Karl Marx was an atheist, not a Pagan. Statism is just the way people control one another, and cannot in fact be attributed to any religion, be it Christianity, Judaism, Paganism, Islam, or atheism.

      Way to make your religion look dumb by attributing things to other religions that have nothing whatsoever to do with them. 20th Century thought is about the collision between Christianity, science, and technology.

      Also, way to totally make Christianity look even more hostile and aggressive than it really is. Someone posts a light, humorous letter about how Christians should lighten up, have fun, and stop worrying about a fictional “war on Xmas” created by Bill O’Reilly, and you respond by blaming all 20th Century deaths on Paganism?


      • jdrourke said,

        Hey Michellcat,

        Like most of these passionate posts, I’m so glad you’ve joined in. I really like what you wrote. Keep checking in with me and the rest of these good folks…

    • HAHaney said,

      Jesus was a Comunist

      1. He threw the moneychangers out of the temple and called them theives. They were just ordinary businessmen in a laissez-faire economy.

      2. He said, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.”

      3. He encouraged people to give everything they could, and promised that god would support everyone in need. Just like socialism.

      Matthew 19:21
      Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”[/edit]

      4. “turn the other cheek”

      5. “love thy enemy”

      6. “blessed are the peacemakers”

      7. “blessed are the meek”

      8. “woe unto ye who are rich”

      9. “forgive our debts, as we forgive our debtors” — clearly he would favor bailing out poor people with subprime mortgages.

      10. “Give us this day our daily bread” — what a sense of entitlement to demand handouts!!!

      11. “Every mountain shall be made low, every valley shall be exalted” –although this is actually from Isaiah’s prophecy about the messiah, it looks like a metaphor for proletarian revolution

      12. Some early Christians actually established agricultural communes.

      13. Jesus is soft on crime: anybody who believes in his scapegoat-like sacrifice will be forgiven.

      14. Jesus loves the poor, the prostitutes, the lepers, etc. And he gave them free healthcare!

      15. Jesus said nothing about or against homosexuality.

      16. “and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy father which is in secret” — clearly Jesus opposes school prayer.

      17. Jesus performed the “miracle of the loaves and fish” — divine government handouts for the poor.

      18. “ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened” — giving the poor a sense of entitlement

      19. “Blessed are the merciful”

      20. “And if any man will sue thee, and take away thy cloak, let him have thy coat also. And whosoever shall compell thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away” — He clearly favors caving in to terrorist demands, and giving the poor everything they want. Pacifist hippie communist!!!

      • jdrourke said,

        Wow, awesome comment! I will be citing a great many of these every time I need to remind some hypocrite of their B.S. Thanx and keep checking in…

  2. Denise said,

    Mr. Rourke,
    For Christmas I’d like to massage your Thetans while dancing around a Festivus Pole and dispensing religious wisdom from gold plates inside a magic hat, all while drinking Kool-Aid from a pair of Nikes.

    Happy Kwanzaa!

    P.S.: Who knew PDiddy could actually make sense?!?

  3. Denise said,

    Mr. Sosa,
    Deep breath, dude……..heard of a little thing called SATIRE? Unless I’m totally off the mark, I do believe P Diddy’s “Christianity” was satiricaly answering Mr. Rouke’s “Paganism”, aping the tired, self-serving rhetoric bandied about by the ulra-conservative teabagging right . Or have you been in a bubble since, oh, say, the election?
    Learn the difference between seriousness and smart-assery……you might avoid a stint in the cardiac ward that way.

    • JL Sosa said,


      Nowadays I take nothing for granted… With all the crazy right-wing religious tea-bagger commie/socialist BS on the TV and Zootube, errr, Youtube, that post seemed serious as sin (no pun intended). I’m pretty sure I’ve heard worse than that out of the mouths of “reporters” on the fox news network.

      I haven’t been in a bubble since the election, quite the opposite. And to be honest, I didn’t really see the satire in the response at all, where’s the gritty teeth clenching funny? Satire, is supposed to be obviously comical, perhaps had there been a picture of Glenn Beck attached to the comment I would have gotten it.

      *ponders for a moment*

      …Unless of course they have finally come up with the internet holy grail, “Satire markings” to help solve the dilemma of mediocre responses being miss interpreted by well-meaning xenophobes such as myself. If so, please advise, as my internet arsenal has been rather light as of late and I would absolutely *love* to have some new ordinance with which to “fight the good fight”

  4. Blondetwit said,

    Can’t we all just get along?


    Either side gets so worked up and get their panties in such a bunch! That’s why I’m a cat. No panties. Just say no to wedgies!

  5. NewScorchedearth said,

    Great stuff. I agree 100%. Keep these bastards feet to the fire compadre…

  6. Howie said,

    At the end of the day, I think we can all agree that this is the fault of those hook-nosed, money lending, whitefish inhaling Jew fucks.

    • jdrourke said,

      Ah, whitefish. Mmm.

    • JL Sosa said,

      Funniest comment in this entire thread.

      Back to my matzo ball soup.

  7. Chris said,

    Nice thread! Funny how you run across stuff like this when a very large statue of Jesus burns to the ground. =)

    Incidentally, no -ism ever killed a person. Every murder ever committed was done intentionally by a person, regardless of whether or not it was at the behest of someone else. I think that scares me more than anything else…


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