Thanks for weighing in on the horrible day that was 9/11 and for describing it as, quote, a big lie. It means so much to us that you’re thinking about America. Really, you’re very sweet. In fact, some of our friends from WeHo and Fire Island are thinking of having you over for drinks and videos.
But the problem with your “9/11 lie” statement is that it came from, well, you. See, Mr. Ahmadinejad, you yourself haven’t always done your best to embrace the truth. So it’s a little tough for us to accept your claims when some of your past proclamations include that there aren’t any homosexuals in Iran and that the Holocaust didn’t actually occur.
Firstly, there’s no way your country’s leaders can be that conflicted about the progression of women in society and not have a few Friends-of-Dorothy skipping about. That and the fact that you personally keep your beard so neatly trimmed. And as for the Holocaust denial thing, we know you’re wrong about that because every single year the Oscars give out statues to pretty much any movie dealing with the Holocaust, or Jews in peril, and they wouldn’t do that without some kind of logical reasoning.
So when you get all uppity and say that 9/11 was quote, “a pretext for the war on terror,” we cannot help but challenge you on this. Every good, intelligent American knows that Cheney, Bush, and their political henchmen didn’t need September the 11th to justify heading for the Middle East. They would have gone into your neighborhood if the Oakland Raiders won another Superbowl, or if Naomi Campbell went six months without acting like a giant, spoiled bitch. They never needed 9/11!
On the plus side, it is good to hear you say that what happened on 9/11 was, in fact, actual terror. But it certainly wasn’t a “big lie.” A big lie would be something like saying the citizens of Iran love you, or that Dick Cheney was in the military, or that Doctor Laura hasn’t had any cosmetic work done. Those are big lies, Mahmoud.
So in the future, if you could simply refrain from talking about things you either don’t fully understand or aren’t fully prepared to admit, well, that’d be great. In the meantime, relax, scrap your borderline-psychotic quest for nuclear weaponry, and take in some American Idol or Mad Men. Seems like you’ve been working too hard and the pressure’s getting to you.