Dear Jesse James,
Really, dude? You cheated on an Oscar winner with “The Illustrated Skank”? Seems like a bad choice, brah. Look, we get it – mixing it up is what guys do. On a base level, we totally understand. Kinda…
But still, Sandra Bullock is a bright, good-looking woman who possesses a great sense of humor (she did make The Blind Side), and is now an Oscar winner for Best Actress. Yet your antics with that white-power Amish chick have totally overshadowed your (then) wife’s high-point in her acting career. You understand that for an actor the ultimate sign of success is winning an Academy Award, right? Sandra didn’t even get to enjoy her major moment for more than about three minutes because of your infidelity, ya’ greaser.
You’re a big custom car guy, right J.J.? Imagine you’ve worked really hard on your custom garage in Texas and some grateful patron rewards you with a 1958 Buddy Holly Chevy Impala in cherry condition. It’s yours’ to enjoy, and as soon as you open the door, you see Matthew McConaughey’s sweaty ass-stains all over the plush seat-covers. You’d be pissed, right? That’s what you’ve done to Sandra Bullock, chump. You’ve hurt and humiliated Miss Bullock , Best Actress, by being Jesse James, Biggest Douchebag…
And not that this is the point, but what’s with this creature you’ve been sleeping with? She looks like Betty Page’s retarded 2nd cousin. And between her B.S. statements and Nazi costumes, you’ve really picked a winner. You know who else makes wacky claims and posses in Nazi gear? Glenn Beck. You nail him, too?
In the end, you need to apologize about two-thousand times, stop trying to be so cool (you look like the aging janitor in Grease), lay off the retro-whores, and just be a good, loving family man. Work on those things, Jesse, and keep the rest of your focus on your cute, little automobiles.
Trust us on this. We know of what we speak.
Tiger Woods, John Edwards, John McCain, John Ensign, Jimmy Swaggart, Bill Clinton, Billy Crudup, Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer, A-Rod, Charlie Sheen, Newt Gingrich, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pastor Ted Haggard