Dear 2nd Amendment,

January 8, 2011 at 8:08 pm (Daily Headaches and Rage Inducers, Politics) (, , , , , , )

Dear 2nd Amendment, a.k.a. the Right to Bear Arms (a.k.a. the Amendment many simpler Americans cling to when they’re unhappy with their lives),

WTF, #2!?!

What’s with your attitude?  Seems like your head is getting bigger and bigger every single time someone else’s is getting blown off!  You know you’re just one of 27 Amendments, right?  And while the 11th, 16th, and 19th Amendments may not be as showy or exciting as you, they’re just as important. (Actually, the 19th Amendment may be more exciting and sexy than you, as we’re huge fans of women getting all riled up and stuff).

Look, we think the world of you!  Without you, there wouldn’t have been deer hunting, a Manifest Destiny, or even a Sarah Palin staged-reality show.  We wouldn’t have buddy-cop movies, metal detectors in our schools, or endless specials about John Wilkes Booth were it not for you and those who take you so darn seriously.  You are appreciated, 2nd Amendment.  Truth is, some of us even feel that 25th Amendment has a little crush on you.

The problem is in some of your more ardent, trigger-happy followers and supporters.  They seem to – due to their willful ignorance and wonderfully average educational backgrounds – believe that you’re the most important Amendment of all.  We know, we know, it doesn’t make sense to us either, and frankly, some of us are getting truly tired of the B.S..  Heck, the 13th and 14th Amendments are about ready to throw-down over it (except they don’t want to get shot)!

So we’re asking you to remind your loudest supporters to calm down a bit and take the temptation to exercise their right to you and just move it away from anything living and head to their local firing range.  Blasting paper is just as fun and noisy, and people can hang their shot-up targets in the windows next to their Raiders jerseys and Cracker Barrel-related decor.

Okay, that’s it for now.  Just remember, #2; we’re all in this together.  And if everyone’s getting killed because of your most fanatical supporters, then the rest of us will be out of work sooner than you think.



1st Amendment, 3rd – 17th Amendments, and 19th – 27th Amendments                         (sorry, 18th Amendment was out drinking when we wrote this)



  1. murmur55 said,

    Right on, Brotha!

  2. Edna Buttersnaps said,

    You know, the 27th amendment is breathing a huge sigh of relief right about now – #2 is clearly hogging all the attention. “Two Seven”, as his friends call him, is absolutely dumbfounded that people haven’t realized how much of a smokescreen he really is. Truth be told, though, he only gets worried at the beginning of a new session of congress, and #2 is doing a great job right now. Two Seven is down at the local bar looking for 18: he heard 18 was buying rounds for everyone.

    • jdrourke said,

      Lemme tell you something, Edna Buttersnaps, that 27th Amendment can be a real pain-in-the ass. And as for 18, enough with that lush!

  3. Pegs (aka Katzencats) said,

    Another excellent post, JD. I wonder if 1st Amendment is having a re-think of the “anyone can say anything, anytime, true or not” interpretation? Probably not.

  4. Ladyblug said,

    Excellent post and quite appropriate at the time of an Arizona congresswomen and 16 others being gunned down.

    • jdrourke said,

      Thanks Ladyblug! I’m so sickened by what happened Tucson I cannot even begin to describe it. We really wanted to write a scathing segment about Sarah Palin for it, but thought it better to go after the 2nd Amendment instead. I’m actually a believer in the right to gun ownership, but the laws must be stricter and background checks enforced even greater.

  5. bliss_infinite said,

    Thanks for the post.
    I hope #2 takes your advice!

  6. dcmartin said,

    #2 is all hopped up on goofballs and flexing his muscles before Scalia has a chance to neuter it, like he apparently would like to do to the 14th (shut up bitchez and queens – get back in the kitchen and make me a sammich! ). #2’s ego has been pumped by SarahPAC and Sharon Angle’s Tea Party rhetoric ( Don’t like your election results? The 2nd Amendment is the remedy for what ails Washington!), and it really needs to go lay on a beach somewhere and remember the good purpose behind the Brady Bill.
    And did anyone else notice that during his press conference, old Boehner didn’t cry once? WTF is up with THAT? Big gavels make him cry, but congresswomen being shot in the head do nothing for him? Strange, orange dude.

  7. Jim Kinsly said,

    I’m still furious with our media / editorial personalities who do nothing more than go on their tv shows and spew ugliness and lies. These people, like Beck and Hannity, are a real part of the problem. Sure, they didn’t pull the trigger, but their words carry weight and do affect certain people’s actions. I want us all to keep the 1st Amendment in tact, but anyone doing political editorials, and anyone running for office – or already in office – must be held responsible when they say stupid things. Think Sharron Angle and Sarah Palin.

    • jdrourke said,

      Totally agree, Jim – thank you. Whether it’s Sarah “I quit” Palin or Michael Savage, these people are playing to folks who aren’t the brightest bulbs in the light store, and they must know that their words can help “move” someone to irrational action.

      Hang in there.

  8. CommonSense said,

    Are all liberals as snarky and unable to debate any actual policy as you? Please do us all a favor, buy one of those guns you hate so much, and blow your own fucking brains out.

    • jdrourke said,

      Wow – very classy. Funny thing is, I am more than good with gun ownership and even head to the firing range every now and again. What isn’t okay are punks like yourself who think you need 40 rounds to “hunt” a deer or rabbit.

      Try and man up and see the satire here; not to mention the fact that there are too many people who own guns who shouldn’t. Then go try some decaf. For someone who calls themself Common Sense, you seem to be void of rational, analytical thinking.

      Thanks for trying.

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