Um, Christina Aguilera?

February 7, 2011 at 7:44 pm (Entertainers / Entertainment, The Sporting Life) (, , , , , )

Dear Ms. Aguilera,

Watched the Super Bowl and really enjoyed rooting for them Packers – go cheeseheads!

But if you don’t mind me offering up a humble critique, I would suggest that the next time you’re asked to sing your country’s national anthem, you may wanna LEARN ALL THE FUCKING WORDS!!!

Seriously, Christina.  You’ve got great pipes and a nice voice, too, but if you can remember the lyrics to your own crappy songs, not to mention your lines from that shit-fest Burlesque, it seems like you can get a handle on “The Star-Spangled Banner!”

You’ve got money, right?  At the very least, buy yourself a teleprompter like Obama, or scribble the words on your hands like that nit-wit Palin.



Francis Scott Key


  1. Mildred Denney said,


  2. St. Tracy said,


  3. Tony Maxwell said,

    Thank you, jd, for proferring that critical and necessary communication; you and your current comenters have helped to sum it up perfectly. It doesn’t hurt your position that the actual writer of the song himself returned from the grave to offer this latest ‘pissed-off’ comunication to a self-infatuated, air-headed ‘diva-wannabe’ who happens to be blessed with incredible vocal pipes, yet chooses to ramble and meander all over, under and through any song she undertakes, to the point of merely indulging in vocal masturbation that she’s come to expect her public adoration will continue to fuel (like Whitney Houston, before her craziness could no longer be hidden).

    More to the point, the National Anthem is a suck-wad piece of music, clearly written by a cannonball-shocked coward who didn’t know ‘music’ from the sound of his own Colonial farts, looking out safely from a protective bunker and scrawling shit like how the “ramparts we watched” were so “gallantly streaming” whilst pissing in his uniform, making up notes and pitches along the way that most normal mortals wouldn’t dare try to reach…

    ‘God Bless America’. ‘Our Country Tis of Thee’. ‘This Land Is Your Land’. THESE are well-written, non-challenging songs that scream ‘patriotism’ and assault your senses with unimpeachable, albeit unrealistic, phrases that DEMAND YOUR LOVE OF THIS COUNTRY!!

    But with all due respect to Mr. Key: I say we disown ‘The Star Spangled Banner’, pretend it never existed. Who’s going to call us on it? We got away with alientaing the entire world with Bush’s Iraq War, what difference is a stupid fucking song going to make?

    My vote goes for James Brown’s ‘I Got The Feeling’ – listen to it again & tell me I’m not onto something.

    • jdrourke said,

      Thank you, brother. As always, it’s good to have you around our little asylum…

    • anony said,

      I find this extremely offensive. Many Americans take pride in this song, and if you didn’t know, it was a poem first, then turned into a song by somebody later.

      • jdrourke said,

        Um, yeah, I’m a fan of our National Anthem as well, which is why we goofed on C.A. Thanks for paying attention…

  4. PamB said,

    That is too funny, JD. After the flub, my mom’s advice was for Christina to get a teleprompter and I said she should have written the words on her hand like Carabou Barbie. Huh…great minds really do think alike. LOL.

    • jdrourke said,

      Amen, P.B. Tell your mom we’re all on the exact same page…

  5. Brad Cole said,

    Did you know that “Francis Scott Key” is the only phrase in the English language that rhymes perfectly with “Leo Kottke?”

    • jdrourke said,

      See, this is why the internet, aka “the tubes,” is so great. The things we can learn from one another…

  6. Denise said,

    Once again, JD, you (and Tony) have me rolling.
    While I didn’t really care who won since I don’t much care for football (I like football MOVIES, but not actual football), in the end it’s nice that the team without the (alleged) rapist won. Disney dodged a bullet with that one, huh?
    “Ben Roethlisberger, you just won the SuperBowl – what are you going to do now?”
    “I’m going to RapeyWorld!”
    Which would be OK with our GOP-controlled congress……makes more babies!!!!!!!

    • jdrourke said,

      Lemme tell you something, D. Rapeyworld has the lamest rides…

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