Attn: Oscar Telecast Producers, Directors, and Writers
So we’ve had some time to really digest what we watched, er, endured this past Sunday night, and we have no choice but to ask: are you all that high or simply that clueless?!
Forget all the theatrics and faux dramas and dresses. Instead, it may prove more interesting and memorable to simply focus on The Movies.
Remember The Movies? Raging Bull? King Kong? The Sound of Music? One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? On the Waterfront? Jaws? It Happened One Night? Ben-Hur? Any of these classics ringing a bell? Well, they should, because they’re a big part of the reason people still go to the movies.
Movies are meant to be fun, intense, upsetting, hilarious, silly, intelligent, and quite a few other descriptions that fall within the human emotional range.
What they are not meant to be is banal and forgettable. Yet that’s what much of the last several Academy Award ceremonies have been. Banal and forgettable. Kinda like the President’s State of the Union address, C-PAC, or pretty-much anything Jay Leno says.
Here are a few ideas for you to mull over between now and the next Oscar telecast. Just in case you’d actually like to remain a bit more relevant than the Blockbuster Movie Awards.
1). Shorten the show. There’s no excuse that each telecast nearly outlasts most Viagra-popping men’s erections.
2). Fire Bruce Vilanch. Yes, he’s funny looking, but so is Henry Waxman. Yet you’re not rushing out year after year for his supposed jokes or snappy banter.
3). Stop trying to be hip. No one gives a shit about the latest gadgets, apps, or how auto-tuning makes Harry Potter and Cloris Leachman sound. You’re an awards show for movies on ABC – the same network that tried to push Cop Rock into people’s living rooms.
4). Keep it down to one host, and make sure that he or she is funny and more about the ceremony than himself or herself (Think Billy Crystal or Tina Fey). And don’t allow them to get higher than Hunter S. Thompson backstage before the program.
5). Only play off winners who read from a prepared list of agents, publicists, and assistants. We wanna see people cry with joy, stutter with shock, and soil themselves in disbelief. If we wanted to listen to some boor read off a long-ass list of non-famous names, we’d tune into C-Span.
6). Finally, allow for some surprises. Streakers, Michael Moore, and the occasional rejection of his or her award are actually good for the show. It reminds us that even in the world of make-believe, honest, unseen surprises can still occur. Kinda like when Marisa Tomei won for Best Supporting Actress.
Remember, folks. It’s about the movies. Let’s try to get back to that before this annual awards-fest winds up going straight to video…
Unimpressed and uninspired,
Ghosts of Bob Hope & Johnny Carson