Emergency MEMO to the Academy Awards:

March 1, 2011 at 10:28 pm (Entertainers / Entertainment) (, , , , , , )


Attn: Oscar Telecast Producers, Directors, and Writers

So we’ve had some time to really digest what we watched, er, endured this past Sunday night, and we have no choice but to ask: are you all that high or simply that clueless?!

Forget all the theatrics and faux dramas and dresses.  Instead, it may prove more interesting and memorable to simply  focus on The Movies.

Remember The Movies?  Raging BullKing KongThe Sound of MusicOne Flew Over the Cuckoo’s NestOn the WaterfrontJawsIt Happened One Night? Ben-Hur?  Any of these classics ringing a bell?  Well, they should, because they’re a big part of the reason people still go to the movies.

Movies are meant to be fun, intense, upsetting, hilarious, silly, intelligent, and quite a few other descriptions that fall within the human emotional range.

What they are not meant to be is banal and forgettable.  Yet that’s what much of the last several Academy Award ceremonies have been.  Banal and forgettable.  Kinda like the President’s State of the Union address, C-PAC, or pretty-much anything Jay Leno says.

Here are a few ideas for you to mull over between now and the next Oscar telecast.  Just in case you’d actually like to remain a bit more relevant than the Blockbuster Movie Awards.

1). Shorten the show.  There’s no excuse that each telecast nearly outlasts most Viagra-popping men’s erections.

2). Fire Bruce Vilanch.  Yes, he’s funny looking, but so is Henry Waxman. Yet you’re not rushing out year after year for his supposed jokes or snappy banter.

3).  Stop trying to be hip.  No one gives a shit about the latest gadgets, apps, or how auto-tuning makes Harry Potter and Cloris Leachman sound.  You’re an awards show for movies on ABC – the same network that tried to push Cop Rock into people’s living rooms.

4). Keep it down to one host, and make sure that he or she is funny and more about the ceremony than himself or herself (Think Billy Crystal or Tina Fey).  And don’t allow them to get higher than Hunter S. Thompson backstage before the program.

5). Only play off winners who read from a prepared list of agents, publicists, and assistants.  We wanna see people cry with joy, stutter with shock, and soil themselves in disbelief.  If we wanted to listen to some boor read off a long-ass list of non-famous names, we’d tune into C-Span.

6). Finally, allow for some surprises.  Streakers, Michael Moore, and the occasional rejection of his or her award are actually good for the show.  It reminds us that even in the world of make-believe, honest, unseen surprises can still occur.  Kinda like when Marisa Tomei won for Best Supporting Actress.

Remember, folks.  It’s about the movies.  Let’s try to get back to that before this annual awards-fest winds up going straight to video…

Unimpressed and uninspired,


Ghosts of Bob Hope & Johnny Carson



  1. St. Tracy said,

    5 & 6 rocked!!

    • jdrourke said,

      You rock, St. Tracy! You rock…

  2. Tony Maxwell said,

    O, my dear one, your lamentations are valid, constructive & have lotsa sense-making- three qualities the producers/writers/directors of the Oscar Shows have steadfastly ignored for decades now, excepting the few ceremonies where they actually get a wonderful host and/or the Oscar race is especially tight due to quality nominees. Unfortunately, this is more often serendipity than actual predetermination by those clueless idiots in charge of the event. I actually read in some entertainment magazine that preparations and preproduction for the Academy Awards begin THE DAY AFTER THE OTHER HAS ENDED- these “brilliant talents” have an entire YEAR to get this shit right, and dey ain’t no hidin’ how badly this last one sucked.

    Please allow me to expound on those great ideas expressed above:

    1) DROP looong opening segments (unless you have a Billy Crystal or other actor/comedian who can pull off a good one- Tina Fey would’ve been superb) and just bring out the damn host, for cripes’ sake;

    2) NO musical or dancing segments, i.e., ‘theme montages’ by foreign “visual art” dance groups or ‘film tribute/parodies’ – they’re always lame, and the ‘Best Song’ performances and kitschy orchestra intros are more than enough music to cover an awards show for MOVIES, ‘kay?

    (there’s this other shitty awards show called the Grammys if you want the music stuff)

    3) DROP televised awards for documentary short, live or animated short & sound editing/mixing – very few people will ever see these shorts unless they seek them out, and sound editing & mixing should just be meshed into ‘Best Sound’, if incuded at all. SOO, (generously) figuring 3 ½ minutes bringing on the presenters, announcing the nominees, gettin’ the winner’s asses up there & sputtering out a “thank you” before the orchestra cuts you off for commercial breaks, you’ve dropped off a good 17 minutes or more of agonizing boredom;

    4) ONLY FUNNY PRESENTERS ALLOWED TO JOKE – all others: smile, read the nominees off the teleprompter, announce the winner and scram & getdafuckouttahea;

    5) SHOW MORE, LONGER FILM CLIPS!! We’re celebrating/acknowledging the goddam MOVIES, right?!? And these movies HAVE BEEN RELEASED, for quite awhile, for everyone to see them, am I correct? They don’t have to give away any surprises or major plot twist, but, let’s say ‘Best Supporting Actress/Actor’, for instance – how the hell does a 15-20 second ‘clip’ of a Performance that’s up for ANY award give the film-going audience the slightest idea of who’s performance deserves to be named ‘BEST’?!? Personally, I’d WATCH a 3-hour a Movie Awards show if they showed more of the actual %@!#!@*!!! MOVIES they were patting their Armani-covered backs about!

    I’m sorry to waste space, jd, but your vitriol over the ‘same ol’ same ol’ just ignited me tonight, so I’ll end this with what should be the most simple, logical idea to save time, audience discomfort, and embarrassment over totally blanking out when you step up to accept your award, you vaccuous idiots who couldn’t recite the alphabet without a script in front of you:

    6) Require ALL Nominees to submit the names of every single person they want to thank if they win, which will then be put on a ‘crawl’ TV screen bottom while the winning actor is gushing and convulsing with tears while saying “oh-my-gawd!’ repeatedly. Give ’em a minute to compose themselves, focus on their ‘special thank-you’ to whomever they want to toss out the most word salad to GET THE HELL ON WITH IT.

    We have very short attention spans in this digital/i-phone/texting/porn site-browsing age. Think maybe they could manage one or two more good awards shows before movie theaters become extinct ?

    Aw hell, for all the friggin good it’ll do now…

    • jdrourke said,

      Keep making me laugh, brother. Great points!!

    • Denise said,

      Great points from JD and the Tonester. I can’t remember the last time I truly enjoyed an Oscar telecast, but I’m pretty sure I was still childless and not yet completely repulsed by Republicans.
      My, how things have changed!
      And as much as I LOVED Toy Story 3 ( big brother’s box of long ago discarded Toy Story figures was promptly raided by younger sibling as soon as we got home from the theatre), I was really rooting for How to Train Your Dragon. Wonderful little movie…….I want a dragon and some bad-ass Viking armour!

      • jdrourke said,

        Thanks Denise. Yeah, I miss Billy Crystal.

        Huge congrats on your awesome site passthedoucheys.com It’s freaking great!!!

  3. Oscar said,

    Pretty good points, JD. Keep it about The Movies. And how about keeping it directed at THOSE WHO TRULY LOVE THE MOVIES!!!!!

    Hopefully, someone with any kind of influence over the show will read this and do more than stick their nose up at it.

    • jdrourke said,

      Thank you, Oscar. I love movies and would love to see the Academy Awards show get back to putting the focus on that, rather than the things they believe will rope other folks in.

  4. Joel Palmer said,

    Brilliant…You inspire me to write… I’m new to this whole blogging thing.
    I’ve been somewhat disappointed until now… Impressive… You totally ROCK…

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