Dear Papal Conclave,
Well done, Vatican! Give yourselves a collective pat-on-the-back and have an extra cup of Christ’s blood tonight!
We just wanted to congratulate you on pushing the Catholic Church well into the 21st Century with the election of Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio as the new Pope, aka Pope Francis I, aka Frankie da First.
Sure you could have gone with a younger man (and by younger, we mean anyone born after Abe Vigoda), and someone whose religious beliefs don’t reflect the mentality of the Middle Ages, but instead you bucked the PC trends and selected an unmarried man in fancy clothes and red shoes who still condemns homosexuality as the work of the devil.
We applaud this defiant act, conclave, and greatly respect your sticking to your traditional values in the face of open-mindedness, progressiveness, and Bravo TV.
Proud of ya,
Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Mississippi
P.S., Given that Pope Francis I is Latin American, this doesn’t mean you’re gonna start serving the Eucharist with Tapatio, does it?