Dear Finding Dory Fanatics,
Since the blockbuster movie Finding Dory has already made more money than the annual budget for the entire department of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), we figured we should probably address the elephant – or elephant seal – in the room.
We know you loved Finding Dory, and we know your super-precocious 8-year-old really loved Finding Dory, but for the glory of King Neptune, can you please NOT BUY your kid a real-life Dory from your local aquarium shop or pet store? Please? Seriously, it’s a terrible idea for all involved, kind of like eating fish tacos from McDonald’s or voting for Trump.
See, kids, real-life Dory fish are known in the natural world as Blue Tang (not to be confused with Zoe Saldana in Avatar), and they don’t belong in a fishbowl, or a fresh-water tank at home, or even a salt-water tank at home. Blue Tang/Dory fish belong in the ocean, just like coral, whales, and the human waste dumped by Princess Cruises.
So please, enjoy the movie Finding Dory as much as you want, but refrain from the selfish temptation to “re-enact” the movie at home. Honestly, if you’re that dead set on mingling with Dory, then learn how to Scuba dive or get a dang job at SeaWorld before they’re permanently shut down.
With deepsea sincerity,
The Ghosts of a Million Clownfish/Nemo fish