Hello, Fellow Snarksters…
“Could Everyone Please Stop Pissing Us Off?!?” The Book.
It is filled with New Letters.
It is filled with Funny Drawings.
It is filled with Updated, Improved Older Posts.
And most importantly, it is filled with a deep sense of snark.
amazon.com for your Kindle or Kindle Fire – $2.99
lulu.com for your good old fashioned, back of the toilet, paperback – $11.99
And yes, this makes me a bit of a literary whore.
Love to all!
After 3 1/2 years of writing snarky observations about everything from global pandemics to Ann Coulter’s Adam’s apple, it is time to wish you all the very best and send you back into the world without me.
The good news and the bad news of this is there will continue to be things to release your “inner crank” over; from the seemingly unending hypocrisy of many GOP politicians to the the fact that dog-shit TV like Dancing with the Stars and Rules of Engagement still exist. And given this reality, it is imperative that you continue to speak out and rise against such potentially mind-numbing stoopidity.
But it’s also equally important that you go take a hike – literally. Or head to your closest beach for a nice moonlit swim. Maybe pool your resources and finally take that trip to Costa Rica or N.Y.C.. Just stay the hell outta Florida, for God’s sake (that place ain’t right!).
There will always be bad with the good (think of a film that has both Morgan Freeman and Tom Cruise), but it does seem vital to one’s own mental health and to maintaining a sense of self that we do not merely focus on what is pissing us off. We also need to enjoy the occasional warm-fuzzy that life offers up.
And that is exactly where I am headed; to a place where power animals and mantras have far more influence and power than the average talking head on Fox “News”.
Just remember when the crap begins to pile up around you and seep into your psyche, you, your belief in absolute truth, and your humor are the ultimate weapons against the dumb, the apathetic, and the hypocritical.
Now go forth and prosper (as Spock’s half-sister used to say). We’ve had our fun together. Time for us to take on new journeys and to look back on this time fondly as we move on to future adventures.
With love and snark,
Eric Frost-Barnes (JD Rourke)
Dear Papal Conclave,
Well done, Vatican! Give yourselves a collective pat-on-the-back and have an extra cup of Christ’s blood tonight!
We just wanted to congratulate you on pushing the Catholic Church well into the 21st Century with the election of Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio as the new Pope, aka Pope Francis I, aka Frankie da First.
Sure you could have gone with a younger man (and by younger, we mean anyone born after Abe Vigoda), and someone whose religious beliefs don’t reflect the mentality of the Middle Ages, but instead you bucked the PC trends and selected an unmarried man in fancy clothes and red shoes who still condemns homosexuality as the work of the devil.
We applaud this defiant act, conclave, and greatly respect your sticking to your traditional values in the face of open-mindedness, progressiveness, and Bravo TV.
Proud of ya,
Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Mississippi
P.S., Given that Pope Francis I is Latin American, this doesn’t mean you’re gonna start serving the Eucharist with Tapatio, does it?
Dear Justin Bieber,
Hey there, little man. You gotta stop with the endless tweet pics of you sans shirt. Seriously, Bieber, if we wanted to stare at half-naked boys this much we’d be a part of the Vatican conclave.
Just keep yourself clothed and instead focus on your music and how you’re gonna avoid becoming an unintended guest of some “bear” at the next NAMBLA conference.
It’s now the call heard across the country. It was placed from Glenwood Gardens last Tuesday. A nurse calls in to report 87-year-old Lorraine Bayless, who does not have a DNR, is barely breathing on the ground. Despite the 911 operator’s pleas, the nurse refuses to perform CPR saying it’s against company policy.
Dear Glenwood Gardens Assisted Living Facility,
Saw on the local news the big kerfuffle over your recent decision – and standing policy – to not personally help one of your elderly residents after she collapsed and lie dying on the floor of Glenwood Gardens and then, ultimately, passed away.
At first I was confused by your actions and by the fact that you describe yourself as an “Assisted, Independent Living Facility.” But then I realized that you must be using those words in a more sarcastic or ironic way to push your agenda; kinda like the “Clear Skies Initiative,” “No Child Left Behind,” or “Dancing with the Stars.”
Very clever, Glenwood Gardens. You fool older folks and their families into thinking they’re getting one thing, when in reality they’re getting something else entirely: Bingo, Jell-O, Indifference, Death. Now I’ve got it…
I wish I had been more “creative” with how I advertised myself and my services; then I might have avoided so much time in court and in The Big House (where, oddly enough, they’ll also sometimes stand around and watch “residents” die).
Anyway, kudos to you and your clever bait-and-switch marketing, Glenwood Gardens.
Dear Michael Bay, Ben Affleck, and Bruce Willis,
Are you shitting us? We thought you idiots stopped that Godforsaken meteor!!!
Bummed, Blind & Burning,
Dear IOC (International Olympic Committee),
We saw the news about your panel’s recent decision to cut Olympic Wrestling from the upcoming 2020 Olympic games!
How can this be? Wrestling dates back to the Ancient Games and was one of the founding, elemental competitions that brought warring nation’s together for peace through sport. You IOCers claim that Wrestling doesn’t bring in the ratings and is no longer as relevant as the newer sports? Please, didn’t you guys see Vision Quest? It’s freaking awesome!
And when we say “ancient” we mean it. Wrestling was first a part of the Olympic Games back in 708 B.C.! It predates Basketball and Rowing, and Table Tennis and Diving. For goodness sake, Wrestling predates P.E.D.s and doping scandals!
We understand why you’d get rid of Tug of War (1900-1920), but Olympic Wrestling is a fundamental sport; pitting two men entwined by their limbs, using their brute strength and physical prowess to outwit and out maneuver one another. Seems like the Bravo channel or Logo would be more than happy to air this sport.
Anyway, we’re seriously disappointed by this, I.O.C. Please reconsider. And for Heaven’s sake, don’t replace Wrestling with something totally lame like golf. Or golf.
Dear Rex Reed (film critic),
“Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is a gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success.” - Rex Reed
Wow – take it easy, Mr. Reed-Critic-Guy! In addition to describing actress/comedian Melissa McCarthy as a “gimmick,” you then go on to call her a “female hippo” and to describe her as “tractor-sized.”
Look, we get it, Rex. You’re exhausted. You are literally old enough to have attended the premiere for Gone with the Wind. And you’ve had to sit through endless dreck for several decades; ranging from I Spit On Your Grave to Silver Linings Playbook. Who wouldn’t turn into a Walt Kowalski-type crank after so much cinematic garbage?!
But why go after Melissa McCarthy and make it so personal? What the hell did she ever do to you, other than already make more people laugh in her short time in the public eye than you have in the past six or seven decades?
If you don’t like the movie [Identity Thief] or the lead actress [Mrs. McCarthy], then just write why in a way that say, maybe critiques the film and not a star’s waist line or girth. Most of us don’t attend the movies to merely gawk at skinny, nubile bodies. That’s what the internet is for…
Let’s tone down the personal attacks, okay? Do you want someone pointing out that you’re so fey you make Harvey Fierstein come off like Stallone? Or that you’re so bitchy you make Tommy Lee Jones appear affable? It’s not much fun is it? Though to be fair, it is more enjoyable than the average Kevin James vehicle.
So take a break if you need to from seeing everything Hollywood pumps out on a weekly basis. Trust us; Joel Schumacher, John Singleton, Michael Bay, Wes Craven, Adam Sandler, and Katherine Heigl are still going to create dog-crap movies. And more often than not Steven Spielberg will continue to make pretty darn good ones.
Now go lie down for a while, Rex, and close your eyes. Clearly, you’re feeling assholeish.
Seriously, you’re replacing our old token friend The Iron with a Cat?!? It’s bad enough I have to share a plastic sack with The Boot (can we not get a spritz of Febreze down here?), but now I’ve got to tolerate The Cat as well?
And how in the name of Marvin Gardens did you decide to get rid of The Iron? What, it’s not modern enough for players these days? You kept that old fossil The Thimble around, for fuck’s sake!
Gawd. Damned. Cat.
No more changes, please! Otherwise, I may chew my way outta the box and go hang out in Candyland or at the Mousetrap. Or maybe join PETA…
Scottie the Dog
Attn: Chris Culliver (Cornerback for the San Francisco 49ers & Homophobe for the Mentally Deficient)
Dear Chris Culliver,
Watched the Superbowl Sunday night and watched you get repeatedly schooled by the Baltimore receivers.
What gives? Even Beyonce made fewer errors than you. Maybe if you had spent less time bashing The Gays and more time working on your skills you wouldn’t have been embarrassed on the national stage.
Oh well, hang in there – It Gets Better.
In the meantime, while Raven players are polishing their rings and taking interviews from various sports channels, maybe you could go out now and “get schooled” in a far more productive way: through sensitivity training and classes in tolerance.