Dear Governor Jan Brewer,
Dear Governor Brewer,
Look, we get it. You really don’t like brown people. Or black people. Or anyone whose skin is darker than Edgar Winter’s.
That’s fine. Obviously, you’re into that “pure white” look made famous by those creepy kids in Village of the Damned. But what’s with your deep-seeded loathing for the Office of the President? Sure, the current Pres happens to be African-American, but regardless of his color, the man still represents these United States. For you to trash-talk the President in your memoir and then to also point your bony finger at him for all the world to see… well, it shows a consistent disrespect for both the President and all that he represents (namely, our country).
Are you that hateful of anyone who doesn’t require sunscreen with a SPF of 600? Is your bigotry so entrenched that it eclipses your love of the good ol U.S. of A? Have you simply received too much sun and eaten too many tacos by living in the desert? We understand that “crazy” runs in your family, but perhaps it’s finally time for you to publicly admit that you cannot stomach being around anyone who doesn’t look like you; in which case staying on as governor of a border state may not be the brightest idea. And clearly, Gov. Brewer, you’re a big, big fan of all things bright (and not dark).
So why not step out of the political light and simply let someone who is just a wee-bit less racist run Arizona for a while? Then you can finally kick-back, relax and avoid anyone you don’t like to be around altogether (like that fossil, McCain). Put your feet up, Jan, enjoy a White Russian, and leave the politicking to those who might be a tad more tolerant of all types of people – say, someone like Pat Buchanan or David Duke.
With purest intentions,
.
The Melting Pot
Dear Baltimore Ravens,
To My Dearest Ravens,
Lenore and I watched the AFC Championship game on Sunday and, yet again, you Ravens have found a way to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory. We fear that your chances of reaching the Super Bowl anytime soon are, sadly, nevermore.
And frankly, dear Ravens, it’s getting to be a real downer. Hold onto the frickin’ ball! Make a frickin’ field goal! Seriously, Baltimore. It’s depressing. You are going to drive me to drink! Or worse…
Feeling gloomy,
.
Edgar Allan Poe
Dearest Spammers,
Dearest Spamming Geniuses,
Really?
You brainiacs still think subject lines like “Ukrainian Pharmacy” and “Most Amazing Penis” are actually going to lure us into handing over our hard-earned (and ever-shrinking) paychecks?
Come on.
Are you marketing masterminds even trying anymore? ‘Cause it doesn’t seem like you’re even trying anymore.
Give us a little credit, at the very least. Now please excuse us. We’ve got a bid on e-bay for some fur pajamas, and we don’t wanna lose our chance to nab ‘em…
Not retarded,
.
The Internet Savvy
MEMO to Bill Maher:
MEMO
Attn: Bill Maher, at the HBO
Yo, Maher. You catch the Broncos / Steelers game? Shit was off the hook, bro! We couldn’t believe Tim Tebow’s overtime pass. That dude really is blessed!
Which is why we’re reaching out to you, brother. You gotta give Tebow props for pulling off that Sunday miracle. It’s the right thing to do, Maher. Especially after that religious crack you made via the tweets when he played like crap against the Bills. Don’t be “that guy” who only pipes up when someone’s getting “Effed by Jesus.” Be stand up and show Tebow some love. Hell, have a little fun and even join in the Tebowing so many college kids – and dorky sports analysts – are doing…
Anyways, that’s it. We gotta go for now. Hitler had two-hundred on the Broncos, so we’re off to celebrate with some hot-wings and Jager bombs.
Late,
.
Satan & Adolf
Kongratulations, Kardashian Klan!
Dearest Kim & the Entire Kardashian Klan,
Kongrats on your konquest of nearly all-things-shallow when it komes to entertainment. The kleverness you Kardashians have displayed – kombined with your kuteness – seems to have the truly klueless of Amerika worshiping at your Manolo Blahnik-klad feet.
Is there nothing that you Kardashians kannot konquer? Lord knows that the English alphabet is no longer komposed of 26 equally important letters, what with you folks making “K” the end-all be-all in the past year or two.
Which is why we’re writing to you to knock it off, Kardashians! The rest of us aren’t interested in playing 2nd fiddle to Big K and its ass-kissing sidekick “E”. You may kontrol what goes on in front of the E!-entertainment kameras, but we’ve still got a little juice left and we’re not afraid to use it!
You’ve been warned, you krazy kunts!
.
Letters A, B, C, D & F, G, H, I, J, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z
To the Truly Stoopid – a BIG Thank You…
Dear Stupid People,
We just wanted to offer a big thank you to you clowns, fools, and dumbasses! You have kept us busy for the past two years and given us a near-endless supply of subjects and folks to ridicule.
From reality shows to tea baggers, junkie actors to corporate whores; you’ve reminded those more intelligent and honest folks that there is no ceiling on stupidity. Just when we think it cannot get more lame out there, you morons prove that you’ve got a little something extra in the tank and you’re willing to go the extra stoopid mile.
And we, as a snark-filled site, are grateful.
So with 24 months and well over 110 posts under our belts, we’re gonna take a vacation and get some fresh air.
For those of you fighting the good fight and who actually attempt to make this world a better place, we love and respect you, and stand beside you with great pride.
For those of you who ignore facts, behave hypocritically, or think Fox *News is fair and balanced, go fuck yourselves and keep your useless heads in that oh-so-comfy sand. You are not needed.
But you are appreciated. Because without the truly stoopid, we couldn’t have had this much fun over the past two years.
That’s it. We’re out…
Stay snarky,
.
J.D. Rourke and Friends
Let’s wrap it up, Harry Potter!
Dear Harry Potter,
Dude, enough! We get it – you’re popular. But isn’t it time to hang it up? You’ve been in a LOT of movies and, frankly, Hollywood creative types ought to be focusing on fresher things, don’t you think?
Relax, brother. Enjoy a vacation. Maybe check out the Magic Castle in L.A. – just be sure to wear a tie there.
Take it easy,
.
James Bond, Michael Myers, Captain Jack Sparrow, Charlie Chan, Jason Vorhees, Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Abbott & Costello, Freddy Krueger, and Transformers a.k.a. robots in disguise
Dear 7-Eleven,
7/11/11
Dear 7-Eleven,
Given the date, we thought this would be a good time to express our gratitude for your commitment to ridiculously huge sodas and endless supplies of stoner foods and diabetes-inducing snacks.
You not only cater to ever-fattening Americans, 7-Eleven, but now you’ve managed to reach the corners of the globe with your Slurpee-related goodness. From Canada to Thailand. From Norway to Australia; you’ve over-hydrated differing cultures with your Big Gulps, Super Big Gulps, and Double Gulps. Heck, the cup on that last beverage is so large you could dock a motorboat in it.
But why stop there? There’s something now that you’ve thrust onto your customers called a Team Gulp. Apparently, one of these monstrosities can quench the thirst of Africa.
Nice work, 7-Eleven. Nice work.
Loving you,
.
Gluttony
