That’s So Not Cool, Jesse James.

March 20, 2010 at 7:51 pm (Entertainers / Entertainment) (, , , , , , , , )

Dear Jesse James,

Really, dude?  You cheated on an Oscar winner with “The Illustrated Skank”?  Seems like a bad choice, brah.  Look, we get it – mixing it up is what guys do.  On a base level, we totally understand.  Kinda…

But still, Sandra Bullock is a bright, good-looking woman who possesses a great sense of humor (she did make The Blind Side), and is now an Oscar winner for Best Actress.  Yet your antics with that white-power Amish chick have totally overshadowed your (then) wife’s high-point in her acting career.  You understand that for an actor the ultimate sign of success is winning an Academy Award, right?  Sandra didn’t even get to enjoy her major moment for more than about three minutes because of your infidelity, ya’ greaser.

You’re a big custom car guy, right J.J.?  Imagine you’ve worked really hard on your custom garage in Texas and some grateful patron rewards you with a 1958 Buddy Holly Chevy Impala in cherry condition.  It’s yours’ to enjoy, and as soon as you open the door, you see Matthew McConaughey’s sweaty ass-stains all over the plush seat-covers.  You’d be pissed, right?  That’s what you’ve done to Sandra Bullock, chump.  You’ve hurt and humiliated Miss Bullock , Best Actress, by being Jesse James, Biggest Douchebag…

And not that this is the point, but what’s with this creature you’ve been sleeping with?  She looks like Betty Page’s retarded 2nd cousin.  And between her B.S. statements and Nazi costumes, you’ve really picked a winner.  You know who else makes wacky claims and posses in Nazi gear?  Glenn Beck.  You nail him, too?

In the end, you need to apologize about two-thousand times, stop trying to be so cool (you look like the aging janitor in Grease), lay off the retro-whores, and just be a good, loving family man.  Work on those things, Jesse, and keep the rest of your focus on your cute, little automobiles.

Trust us on this.  We know of what we speak.

Sincerely,

.

Tiger Woods, John Edwards, John McCain, John Ensign, Jimmy Swaggart, Bill Clinton, Billy Crudup, Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer, A-Rod, Charlie Sheen, Newt Gingrich, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pastor Ted Haggard

13 Comments

  1. StTracy said,

    Awesome. Just awesome.

  2. anamous said,

    Sandra deserved what happened to her. She stole a child from her mother.
    Payback is a bitch.

    • jdrourke said,

      Yeah, I’m not sure that Sandra Bullock “stole” those children away from their mom. Their mother isn’t exactly in the best place to care for them. Regardless of how lame Jesse James has behaved, those kids are still better off with their father and stepmom.

      Thanks for playing, though.

      • Corrie said,

        Clearly “anamous” is Janine Lindemulder.

  3. Denise said,

    I’m really lazy and I don’t want to have to read anymore about this homewrecking skank than I already have – can someone please explain why they keep refering to that (ahem, cough,slut) “lady” as Bombshell? Is it because she looks as if she was hit head-on with a scud missile full of gonorreah, herpes, and chlamydia? Or because the news that Jesse James was addled enough to give that Illustrated Skank ( LOVE, that, JD!) a first look, much less a second when he’s got a total babe like Sandra Bullock at home is well, a bombshell?
    Really, Jesse James, WTF?
    And anamous…………wow. Weren’t you listening when Whitney declared that “crack is whack”? Put the pipe down, hon.

  4. Dyan said,

    Jessie had a much classier woman in Sandra than he obviously deserved. I must say the woman he cheated with seems to be his perfect match. Sandra Bullock needs to move on,he cheated with Sandra, so yeah,he cheated on her. Big surprise. Jessie creeps me out anyway!

  5. Kels said,

    fricken awesome! My heart really goes out to Ms. Bullock and her kids. I know they aren’t technically her’s but she’s doing all the work. When will these pigs learn that the mistress or f-buddy will get pissed off eventually and spill all of your secrets when you don’t leave your wife? Hello! It was the high point of her career and now look how low it’s gotten. I can’t imagine what it’s like for her. I hope she can go stay with people she loves, on some beautiful exotic beach and heal. No one should ever have to feel this way inf ront of so many people. Sandra, go hang out with Johnny Depp and his family for a bit, I’ve heard he gets really good reefer. And the grease comment was spot on brother! or sister…

  6. Chris said,

    Denise,

    I think the “Bombshell” tag is a play on her name.

    miCHELLE bombSHELL

    Nothing else makes any sense.

  7. Chris said,

    Everything made sense until you added a rapist, Kobe Bryant in with the rest of those cheating husbands. Not so great. Big difference between infidelity and rape.

    • jdrourke said,

      Okay, Chris. I want you to know I gave this a lot of thought. When you’re right, you’re right. Kobe is out and A-Rod is in! Keeping checking in with us…

  8. Denise said,

    I see he’s now hopped aboard the I’m Addicted to Poon So I’m Headed to Rehab Express, how quaint!
    “I didn’t mean to betray my wife with that ho – I tripped, and my penis fell out of my pants and became lodged in her overly exposed vagina. REPEATEDLY. I didn’t WANT to do it, I’m an addict.”
    Yeah, and I’m Lady GaGa’s long lost twin.*
    Phhfftt!

    *not likely, as I’m 42 and black

    • jdrourke said,

      Ah, Denise. I mean this in the least creepy way possible when I write: I love you, lady…

  9. Madeline said,

    You nailed it, jd. That guy is a low-life sleaze no matter how much money he has. I hope Sandra just deletes him from her life now. The kids, maybe she can visit them.

    The whole thing is so horrible. I hope it ends soon so S. Bullock doesn’t have to live with all this media fervor for trash; me, too in all honesty. Despicable…

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