Dear John Boehner (R-OH), Eric Cantor (R-VA), and Mitch McConnell (R-KY),
Stop it. Just stop it now! The three of you are suddenly likening raising the debt ceiling to digging up Ronald Reagan (who raised it 17 times, btw) and dancing on his old bones.
You three nancy-pants need to end all the theatrics and political posturing and help ensure that the United States of America does not default on its loans. You and your cunservative buds would rather manufacture a crisis to make the Dems look bad than protect this nation’s financial status with those it owes money to. Have you ever seen China mad? It ain’t pretty – trust us, we’ve been members of Amnesty International since McConnell was in diapers (the ones for babies, not those adult thingies he now has).
Anyway, relax! You can handle this task. The trio of you approved to have the debt ceiling raised seven times for George W. Bush during his eight years damaging the country.
Yes, that’s right. Seven Times for Bush Lite, and you didn’t even have any conditions for him to do it: unlike the demands you have for the current black democrat in the White House…
And if that weren’t enough for you whiners to concede on this and move toward actually working for the country, consider the fact that since 1962, Congress has raised the debt ceiling seventy-five times!
75 times. That’s a lot.
75 times is more times than John Boehner has been drunk this year (give or take a few). It’s also more times than rounds of golf he’s played in the last several months (again, give or take a few).
75 times is more than the number of chins Mitch McConnell has just above that turkey neck he’s been sporting for a while. It’s also more times than he publicly defended the Bush / Cheney policies during Bush’s 2nd term.
75 times is more times than we can point out Eric Cantor’s hypocritical stances on everything from adultery to political opinions. It was pretty close, but Cantor was just a few shy of 75…
So you see, raising the debt ceiling once more to save our country from default isn’t that hard to do. You’ve all had plenty of practice in the past. We get that you’re not comfortable putting the country ahead of your own political needs, but give it a try anyway.
Trust us, come next election, you’ll be glad you did.
Regards,
.
Captain Obvious & Common Sense
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Dear Ann Coulter,
We just heard you recently described the late Princess Diana as an “anorexic, bulimic narcissist,” and that you couldn’t understand why Americans were “gaga-eyed” over her.
Are you retarded? Don’t answer that, the question was rhetorical.
Seriously, Ann. Do you own a mirror? (also rhetorical) Because you’re so goddamned skinny you’re Adam’s apple is bigger than Clint Eastwood’s! If you ate a cookie, you’d instantly look five months pregnant. You’re so bony, you make Ally McBeal look like Chris Christie!
As for narcissistic, you’re one to talk (and talk, and talk). You’re so self-important, you make Glenn Beck come off like Mother Teresa! You’re your own Annie Wilkes, for chrissakes!
And as for those Americans who admired and followed Princess Di, have you taken a recent peek at your own fans? (once more, rhetorical) The people at your book-signings look like extras from The Grapes of Wrath and The Hills Have Eyes! Your followers make Todd Palin seem like a founding member of MENSA.
Go back to defending Paula Jones, if need be, but lay off our “English Rose.” B-yotch!
Not messing around,
.
Glass Houses
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Could Everyone Please Stop Pissing Me Off? 