Dear Sweet Bristol Palin,
Dear Bristol,
Saw you on the T.V. (yet again) proclaiming to be a born-again virgin, and that you have taken an oath to abstain from sex until you are properly married. You also said you hoped other women would follow your lead.
Forgive me for giggling a little, but there’s such an irony to that last bit, given how closely you followed your own mother’s lead. Anyway, I’ll try to keep it together…
Listen, I understand that you’re not from a very deep gene-pool and that you religious-right types strongly believe in evangelical white-washing, but the hard truth is you don’t actually get to have your virginity back – and the obvious proof is in that extremely cute child of yours.
You also don’t get to claim you’re fulfilling a goal here; after all, it’s pretty easy to not have sex when you can’t actually get laid!
So in closing things up, let’s just admit what is already way-out-there: you should worry less about how other women behave and focus more on how you’ll raise your own child – with the hopes that certain choices might finally skip a generation.
C’ya,
Buster Hymen
Dear Rudy Giuliani, Dana Perino, & Sean Hannity – a.k.a. The Selective 9/11 Memory Crew,
Hiya Dana, Sean, and Rudy,
George Bush here. I been seeing on the TV that you keep sayin how there weren’t no terror attacks while Cheney and me was President. That 9/11 didn’t happen while we were hanging out in the White House with Barney.
Listen, I need you three to do me a favor and stop sayin crazy stuff like that. The whole reason Turd Blossom, Big Dick, and me got to send lotsa soldiers into the I-raq was cause of 9/11. If we didn’t git to play up the whole fear aspect of anotha’ terra attack like 9/11, then we never coulda suckered them dumb congress-folk into lisnen to us. I don’t wanna git into trouble ’bout this stuff, okay?
Rudy G, you ‘specially should appreciate the value of using 9/11 to git stuff done and make lotsa money.
Now I don’t care if ya’all wanna lie to Americans and disrespect the fine memories of the folks who got killed, but stop talking about the part concerning 9/11 and it not happenin while Dick and me were the President.
If you wanna say President Obama has big ears, hates white-folk, or is soft on hauling brush, that’s totally acceptable. You can even say that on MSNBC if ya want. Just lay off the 9/11 talk!
I appreciate it. Now, how ’bout them Cowboys?! Gittin better, aren’t they?
– Signed,
.
W.
Dear Tila Tequila,
Dear Tila Tequila,
We r sorry 4 yur recnt loss but when mourning a lovd 1, its best 2 show respct & not mourn via tweets.
Keep yur life privte. U dont want 2 b 2 tacky.
Regrds,
.
Ashton / Demi
Could Everyone Please Stop Pissing Me Off? 