That’s So Not Cool, Jesse James.
Dear Jesse James,
Really, dude? You cheated on an Oscar winner with “The Illustrated Skank”? Seems like a bad choice, brah. Look, we get it – mixing it up is what guys do. On a base level, we totally understand. Kinda…
But still, Sandra Bullock is a bright, good-looking woman who possesses a great sense of humor (she did make The Blind Side), and is now an Oscar winner for Best Actress. Yet your antics with that white-power Amish chick have totally overshadowed your (then) wife’s high-point in her acting career. You understand that for an actor the ultimate sign of success is winning an Academy Award, right? Sandra didn’t even get to enjoy her major moment for more than about three minutes because of your infidelity, ya’ greaser.
You’re a big custom car guy, right J.J.? Imagine you’ve worked really hard on your custom garage in Texas and some grateful patron rewards you with a 1958 Buddy Holly Chevy Impala in cherry condition. It’s yours’ to enjoy, and as soon as you open the door, you see Matthew McConaughey’s sweaty ass-stains all over the plush seat-covers. You’d be pissed, right? That’s what you’ve done to Sandra Bullock, chump. You’ve hurt and humiliated Miss Bullock , Best Actress, by being Jesse James, Biggest Douchebag…
And not that this is the point, but what’s with this creature you’ve been sleeping with? She looks like Betty Page’s retarded 2nd cousin. And between her B.S. statements and Nazi costumes, you’ve really picked a winner. You know who else makes wacky claims and posses in Nazi gear? Glenn Beck. You nail him, too?
In the end, you need to apologize about two-thousand times, stop trying to be so cool (you look like the aging janitor in Grease), lay off the retro-whores, and just be a good, loving family man. Work on those things, Jesse, and keep the rest of your focus on your cute, little automobiles.
Trust us on this. We know of what we speak.
Sincerely,
.
Tiger Woods, John Edwards, John McCain, John Ensign, Jimmy Swaggart, Bill Clinton, Billy Crudup, Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer, A-Rod, Charlie Sheen, Newt Gingrich, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pastor Ted Haggard
Shut Your Yap, Ahmadinejad!
Dear Mahmoud,
Thanks for weighing in on the horrible day that was 9/11 and for describing it as, quote, a big lie. It means so much to us that you’re thinking about America. Really, you’re very sweet. In fact, some of our friends from WeHo and Fire Island are thinking of having you over for drinks and videos.
But the problem with your “9/11 lie” statement is that it came from, well, you. See, Mr. Ahmadinejad, you yourself haven’t always done your best to embrace the truth. So it’s a little tough for us to accept your claims when some of your past proclamations include that there aren’t any homosexuals in Iran and that the Holocaust didn’t actually occur.
Firstly, there’s no way your country’s leaders can be that conflicted about the progression of women in society and not have a few Friends-of-Dorothy skipping about. That and the fact that you personally keep your beard so neatly trimmed. And as for the Holocaust denial thing, we know you’re wrong about that because every single year the Oscars give out statues to pretty much any movie dealing with the Holocaust, or Jews in peril, and they wouldn’t do that without some kind of logical reasoning.
So when you get all uppity and say that 9/11 was quote, “a pretext for the war on terror,” we cannot help but challenge you on this. Every good, intelligent American knows that Cheney, Bush, and their political henchmen didn’t need September the 11th to justify heading for the Middle East. They would have gone into your neighborhood if the Oakland Raiders won another Superbowl, or if Naomi Campbell went six months without acting like a giant, spoiled bitch. They never needed 9/11!
On the plus side, it is good to hear you say that what happened on 9/11 was, in fact, actual terror. But it certainly wasn’t a “big lie.” A big lie would be something like saying the citizens of Iran love you, or that Dick Cheney was in the military, or that Doctor Laura hasn’t had any cosmetic work done. Those are big lies, Mahmoud.
So in the future, if you could simply refrain from talking about things you either don’t fully understand or aren’t fully prepared to admit, well, that’d be great. In the meantime, relax, scrap your borderline-psychotic quest for nuclear weaponry, and take in some American Idol or Mad Men. Seems like you’ve been working too hard and the pressure’s getting to you.
Best,
Stubborn Facts
Hey Dogwalkers Everywhere,
Hey Dogwalkers,
Next time you’re out strolling with Muffy and the little beastie pinches a loaf on the sidewalk, how about you PICK UP AFTER IT!!!!
We just watched some poor bastard slide eight feet on one of Rover’s slimy, whiffy poops like he was riding a snowboard down a half-pipe. Guy ended up on his hip and smelling like Scooby-Doo’s taint!
Seriously, if you really think we like cleaning dog-shit from our Manolo Blahniks and Keds, then you’re dumber than your drooling, butt-sniffing mutts!
So for the last time, assholes, curb your dogs! Don’t make us go all Michael Vick on you lazy turds…
Royally Pissed,
.
P.E.T.S.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Shoes
Could Everyone Please Stop Pissing Me Off? 