WTF, I.O.C.?
Dear IOC (International Olympic Committee),
We saw the news about your panel’s recent decision to cut Olympic Wrestling from the upcoming 2020 Olympic games!
How can this be? Wrestling dates back to the Ancient Games and was one of the founding, elemental competitions that brought warring nation’s together for peace through sport. You IOCers claim that Wrestling doesn’t bring in the ratings and is no longer as relevant as the newer sports? Please, didn’t you guys see Vision Quest? It’s freaking awesome!
And when we say “ancient” we mean it. Wrestling was first a part of the Olympic Games back in 708 B.C.! It predates Basketball and Rowing, and Table Tennis and Diving. For goodness sake, Wrestling predates P.E.D.s and doping scandals!
We understand why you’d get rid of Tug of War (1900-1920), but Olympic Wrestling is a fundamental sport; pitting two men entwined by their limbs, using their brute strength and physical prowess to outwit and out maneuver one another. Seems like the Bravo channel or Logo would be more than happy to air this sport.
Anyway, we’re seriously disappointed by this, I.O.C. Please reconsider. And for Heaven’s sake, don’t replace Wrestling with something totally lame like golf. Or golf.
Disheartened,
.
The Greeks
Dear Film Critic Rex Reed,
Dear Rex Reed (film critic),
“Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is a gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success.” – Rex Reed
Wow – take it easy, Mr. Reed-Critic-Guy! In addition to describing actress/comedian Melissa McCarthy as a “gimmick,” you then go on to call her a “female hippo” and to describe her as “tractor-sized.”
Look, we get it, Rex. You’re exhausted. You are literally old enough to have attended the premiere for Gone with the Wind. And you’ve had to sit through endless dreck for several decades; ranging from I Spit On Your Grave to Silver Linings Playbook. Who wouldn’t turn into a Walt Kowalski-type crank after so much cinematic garbage?!
But why go after Melissa McCarthy and make it so personal? What the hell did she ever do to you, other than already make more people laugh in her short time in the public eye than you have in the past six or seven decades?
If you don’t like the movie [Identity Thief] or the lead actress [Mrs. McCarthy], then just write why in a way that say, maybe critiques the film and not a star’s waist line or girth. Most of us don’t attend the movies to merely gawk at skinny, nubile bodies. That’s what the internet is for…
Let’s tone down the personal attacks, okay? Do you want someone pointing out that you’re so fey you make Harvey Fierstein come off like Stallone? Or that you’re so bitchy you make Tommy Lee Jones appear affable? It’s not much fun is it? Though to be fair, it is more enjoyable than the average Kevin James vehicle.
So take a break if you need to from seeing everything Hollywood pumps out on a weekly basis. Trust us; Joel Schumacher, John Singleton, Michael Bay, Wes Craven, Adam Sandler, and Katherine Heigl are still going to create dog-crap movies. And more often than not Steven Spielberg will continue to make pretty darn good ones.
Now go lie down for a while, Rex, and close your eyes. Clearly, you’re feeling assholeish.
Feeling protective,
.
Glass Houses
Dear Monopoly,
Dear Monopoly,
Seriously, you’re replacing our old token friend The Iron with a Cat?!? It’s bad enough I have to share a plastic sack with The Boot (can we not get a spritz of Febreze down here?), but now I’ve got to tolerate The Cat as well?
Not. Cool.
And how in the name of Marvin Gardens did you decide to get rid of The Iron? What, it’s not modern enough for players these days? You kept that old fossil The Thimble around, for fuck’s sake!
Gawd. Damned. Cat.
No more changes, please! Otherwise, I may chew my way outta the box and go hang out in Candyland or at the Mousetrap. Or maybe join PETA…
Teeth-baringly mad,
.
Scottie the Dog
MEMO to Chris Culliver of the S.F. 49ers:
MEMO
Attn: Chris Culliver (Cornerback for the San Francisco 49ers & Homophobe for the Mentally Deficient)
Dear Chris Culliver,
Watched the Superbowl Sunday night and watched you get repeatedly schooled by the Baltimore receivers.
What gives? Even Beyonce made fewer errors than you. Maybe if you had spent less time bashing The Gays and more time working on your skills you wouldn’t have been embarrassed on the national stage.
Oh well, hang in there – It Gets Better.
In the meantime, while Raven players are polishing their rings and taking interviews from various sports channels, maybe you could go out now and “get schooled” in a far more productive way: through sensitivity training and classes in tolerance.
Deep sincerity,
.
Karma
Enjoy some decaf, John McCain:
Dear John McCain,
Saw your childish, petulant performance with Chuck Hagel on the C-Span (yes, that does make me a geek), and I hav’ta say: you need to lighten up and calm the F down!
I know you’re still excited that your brainchild Iraq Surge was somewhat successful back in 2007, but come on old man, you’ve got to allow different people to have their own opinions. Throwing a tantrum and getting your adult-diaper all bunched up doesn’t do you any good; it only makes you look more and more like a cross section of George C. Scott from Dr. Strangelove, Archie Bunker, and both of those cantankerous old men always popping off up in the balcony on The Muppet Show.
Yes, your vocal support of the idea of adding 20,000 more troops into Iraq to try and squash al-Qaeda once and for all was a good plan, but you’re overlooking the painfully obvious fact that THE ENTIRE IRAQ WAR WAS A CRAP IDEA FROM THE GET-GO!
Your Surge decision was like the janitor who sees a giant dump on the locker room floor and decides two mops will clean it up better than one; nevermind the fact that there shouldn’t be a dump on the floor in the first place!
So maybe tone down your twitchiness and spasms a bit, John. Being correct about the Surge doesn’t actually erase the fact that the rest of your military service makes Gomer Pyle look like General Patton.
Between ranking at the very, very bottom (894th out of 899 – impressive!) of your class at the U.S. Naval Academy and the fact you crashed more planes than John Denver and Howard Hughes combined, you’re not exactly shining like a beacon on the hill.
And while we respect your horrific time and survival instincts in a POW camp during Vietnam, unlike 99.44% of those Americans captured, your family connections actually helped keep you alive like some kind of inter-continental war-mongering nepotism.
Anyway, the point is you need to finally get over your battle-hungry self, John. You’re not the only one who understands the Theatre of War. Chuck Hagel, John Kerry, and any other veteran who actually put his or her ass on the line is as entitled to his or her opinion as you are. And just because you want them to agree with you – hell, apparently, you need them to agree with you – doesn’t give you the right to behave like a child whose mama just took away his Call of Duty video game.
So again, switch to decaf, take up golf, or learn how to play shuffleboard, because your old act of needing to appear like a war hero is just that: OLD.
Now stand down, John, and learn how to behave with an aging sense of decorum. It is so much more impressive than an aging sense of entitlement.
Regards,
.
History
Could Everyone Please Stop Pissing Me Off? 